Dearest Lady F,
I really need someone to show me the path. I lost myself between feelings and common sense. I had this very bad habit to leave when things don’t suit me: something at work bothers me, I quit; a man doesn’t please me completely, I leave him… And now I’m in a situation I just want to leave instead of facing the problem. There is this amazing guy, amazing but awful as F*CK. He is so difficult to handle and I am not sure our relationship is going to a good place. But I am trying to take responsibility and stay with him. Should I stay or should I go (like in the famous song)…
First, this is one of the most touching letters I have received. Women have been losing themselves between heart and reason since the time of Jane Austen. I mean that’s what we are – therefore we are created intuitive and perceptive, and nurturing – but if I choose between reason and feelings I will always choose the heart.
The heart has arguments that the reason does not know.
Leaving when it doesn’t suit you is not commendable – after all, in order to master a demanding situation, you often need to get out of your comfort zone. On the way to success, you are most likely to fail several times. You can’t quit when you fail.
I know for perfectionists like you and me, failing is unbearable. But you should stay motivated, stay hungry, stay foolish. This is a proverb by Steve Jobs, who meant you should never be satisfied and you should push yourself to achieve more and keep trying even things people think cannot be done. It’s a very positive negative saying. You only live once so make it count, no matter what.
A man would never please you completely. Often your relationship will be based entirely on unconditional love. In fact, my advice to you is to start with the most difficult situation in life: tame your own family – yes, your parents, siblings, those close to you. Be the romantic lover who they need – keep surprising them, make them respect you, give according to their needs, do not neglect, do not be offended, always offer help and compassion. This will prepare you for any absurd situation with a man. It’s one of your personal battles. Don’t run away from things that are not perfect, because they are perfection in progress.
If you feel he is amazing, it doesn’t matter how awful he is, you still see love in his eyes. Think of him as a godsend present your way, a beautiful antique, which needs to be polished. I knew a girl who hit it off with an extremely ordinary boy – but she turned him into an alpha man by shopping clothes for him. He looked like a movie star after she interfered with his wardrobe. So, think of it as inventing Prince Charming. If he has got personality problems – offer him to work it out together. Thus you will both deserve each other. Learn to work for your happiness – in or out of a relationship. It’s all in your hands baby. Make him please you completely.
No, dear, your relationship is not going to a good place but who cares? You don’t want your life to be smooth and unobstructed. You want at the end of it your soul to scream: “That was a great adventure!” Think adventure! Do you see it in his eyes? Go to him, he is soon going to need you.
Besides, has it ever happened to you to read a love novel? Noticed how to the very end the misfortunate lovers are in conflict and you doubt the entire time that they will be together. Well, obviously you are in a love novel yourself. And you are the royalty of your story, you are the navigator. Believe in yourself. You need a grain of faith in yourself.
Have you listened to the end of the song? If you go there will be trouble, but if you stay – it will be double.
Don’t run away from destiny! But prepare well for trouble. Thus you will be the winner! Think of lovemaking as one of your personal projects. Romance makes everyone tick. Write to him a love letter. Slowly and deliberately push his defenses, overcome the bounders he’s made for you, earn your own freedom of not being under his government, you are a different person. You have the right to be you, even if you must talk him out of some stupid conventions, that he’s trying to restrict you with. Don’t agree with every sentence he says – powerful men hate this. Work on your independence and self-confidence and you will be just fine.
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