I Hate His Parents
Dear Lady F,
I have a really big problem. Really, I enjoy the relationship with my boyfriend and I think he cares about me, BUT… I just met his parents and they were mean to me. It felt like they’re still in love with his ex and I was like an intruder. I don’t really care about their opinion but if we live together, I’m afraid they will make my life miserable. So my question is should I give up on him because of that or there is some way out of the situation. I am too proud to fight for their approval.
Dear Miss T,
From personal experience, I can tell you that not getting along with his parents is a deal breaker for most of the marriages. You can realize that on your own very well – if you imagine your parents didn’t like the guy and how would that make you feel in the long run. You will constantly have to choose between him and your parents. That breaks trust in the relationship – he is no longer certain he is the most important person in your life. Whatever you do – the influence of parents in decent families reflects into the family life. It is not casual that they are called a mother and a father-in-law. If you marry your boyfriend, you will have to think of them as your parents. You should care about their opinion and how they feel because they are the people, who gave life and upbringing to the person you love. They are extremely important.
But you have to estimate the situation carefully and soberly. First, ask yourself, did they really mean to be rude with you?
Did they want to hurt you, deliberately?
Chances are they come from a village and they are used to your friend’s ex-girlfriend and they might be ignoring you for they are shy or incapable of making an immediate connection. Not every person from the province is gifted with people skills. Plus, that means they really loved his ex-girlfriend. It means that she really created a bond with them. They are faithful to her because they believe she was right for their son. So, in fact, they are not complete assholes, since they are capable of forming a lasting, loving relationship with their son’s sweetheart.
Now you feel distressed, for that isn’t you! But it could be! Pride is not the way out of the situation. Pride is the drama Queen in you. Beautiful, pleasant people walk past each other because of it. It is more dignified to try to reach the humaneness of his folks. That does not hurt your dignity – it means you are sensitive and forgiving and ready to make sacrifices for the future of your relationship. You know it is not only sugar candy kisses, and sugar honey love.
So don’t hate his parents.
If he is dealing with life by himself, and he has been raised by them, that means his parents are not such terrible bastards. Invite them to a dinner, make a cake with raisins, nuts, and chocolate, appear in an apron and with a tidy hair, show them some attention. It doesn’t make you a bad person to try to entice his parents. In fact, accept it as a challenge. People in the world are prone to goodness, they might surprise you.
But in case you really feel so humiliated as if someone has emptied a bucket of shit upon your head in a public place – you should retreat and leave the man to handle the situation with his parents. However – do not waste your energy in hating them. There are so much more wonderful things to do: make peas, not war!
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